Lost In Beauty-

Wednesday

My opened eyes are wide all night long. Only managed to sleep a wink for about 4 hours or less.

I cried.

Thought it was just a small issue, but the problems that accompanied the issue were so much more. I hate the ugly truth behind it all. The senseless, unreasonable fact that comes from a stubborn mind.

I despaired.

It is not just the trip I am sad about now. It is the chains of problems that courted this unmovable, firm stand. This physical problem caused so so much emotional damage.

I hesitated.

Not knowing what decision to make, which side to join. I made Vio wait for both of us. I felt manipulated. Maybe I am way too exaggerated, but I really felt this way. But then, no matter how bias I am, I tried to put myself in her shoes. True, I understand her point of view, but to me, the benefit of it all underweighs the original's.

I relented.

Afterall, I want to go overseas badly. It was not easy to persuade my parents and now that they had agreed, I told myself I shan't let this "small" setback bring me down. I forsee problems with mum though but for the sake of Dearie, I will try.

I tried.

I tried telling my mum about the incident this morning, hoping she would not prob too much into it and let me go. I was simply afraid she would get the wrong idea, leaving a negative impression of someone whom I wish I'd no negative impression of. I thought it was a blessing in disguise that my mum had the same worry! But I knew it was no bonus at all. In fact, even worse. She rubbed it in, so badly to me that I burst out crying in front of her. Maybe again, I treated her mild rubbing in too seriously. But it was not just her comment, it is everything.

I wept.

Fortunately my mum never flared up. I was so sorry to make her feel that she was the one who make me cry. It wasn't, really. If so, it was way too insignificant. I knew her. She is the type who will rub it in in everything and she would digress way too far. I don't blame her, not at all. But of course, the rubbing in has an impact on the current issue.

I sighed.

A complete mess. This process is way too much of a pain. I was and am hurt by it all. It relflects not just this trip but reality.

I think.

Or maybe, I think too much. Again.

the beauty exposed ;